internalprogression

INSOMNIA

2011-04-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

Last night i went to bed with big plans for the week ahead. I was thinking of what i wanted to get at the grocery store, what i wanted to do for a workout the next morning, what i needed to get done at work. what i was going to do if things changed at work... how was i going to get this all done... why does everything have to be so stressful... remember when it wasn't stressful... or does it just not seem stressful now b/c it is so stressful now..... can my body handle all this stress... am i going to freak out again and lay in bed for 2 weeks hoping the world will end around me.....
2 hours of this and that... thoughts not staying for more than 5 seconds... my brain on constant fast forward. somewhere i fell asleep... my alarm going off a few minutes after cory left for work. i turned it off. sometimes i know what is best for me. The groceries can wait until after work tonight. Work will always be there... overwhelming and unfinished.... there is no end to the madness... the art is in control. Control of my thoughts and my actions and my happiness.

deep breath in two three four and out two three four five six seven eight....

robyn

dreams

2011-03-16T08:55:00.001-07:00

Last night i had a high school dream. i was rejected by the snobby girls. Left in a parking lots screaming "fuck you" and giving the finger to someone that wasn't worth the effort. feeling shitty because you think you aren't good enough. i woke up feeling great. however, is it my sub conscious trying to tell me that i feel shitty on the inside. Or is it my sub conscious reminding me that i am right and she is a snobby bitch :-)

ugh

2011-03-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

How convenient... my horoscope says that i will be argumentative today.... is there such thing as power of suggestion?!
I DON'T WANT TO BE GRUMPY TODAY!!

mind of matter... or mind over mind... or whatever?!?!?!

-hee hee

breath in positivity

2011-03-10T10:15:00.000-08:00

exhale love! Wise words. i feel good. i'm looking better. today i received an email from one of my oldest and closest friends. Every time i see her name in my inbox a smile comes across my face. I know that friends are one of the most important things in my life. They hold me up and keep me going. I worked hard for these relationships and enjoy all the positivity that comes from them. Onward friendship soldiers... we have the world to conquer....
peace

caffeine

2011-03-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

Still feeling good. Not sure if it is the coffee i just drank or the pilates i did this morning. However, i'm still soaking up the positivity that is flowing through my being. i feel motivated, but have still not performed. The mere thought of the amount of awesome things that i want to do is overwhelming. The fact that money is not the most plentiful thing in my pockets right now doesn't help. Maybe i should make a list of those feel good acts that don't cost a thing...... maybe not :-) i have so much i want to do... so much!

outtie 5000

a week later

2011-02-28T08:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like a new person today. I'm sure it's the hormones surging in a positive way, but i'll take it. The older i get, the more i relish mind frames like the one i am currently in. I did a new yoga DVD today. I meditated, quite unsuccessfully. And I have a photography class on Saturday morning. I'm excited about that. I have had this belief since i was young, that you are good at what you are good at. However, i think i am beginning to realize that everything takes practice and improvement. I can still do anything i want, i just have to learn and improve. We'll see i guess.... I'll let you know when i am on the cover of TIME magazine.

peace

Just relax

2011-02-21T09:04:00.001-08:00

I've had quite a few weeks. My doctor ordered generic birth control and I'm blaming all my mood swings on that. I've screamed and cried almost every day since the switch. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe not EVERY day, but the majority... at least 75%!! I was afraid the better half might think twice about celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary yesterday. (is that the paper anniversary?!?!) He of course was wonderful. We went to Lowes and was there for 90 minutes and accomplished NOTHING. This of course was due to the lack of informed personnel. however, afterwards we went to the Humane Society where we adopted our dog 1 year ago and gave them a picture to display. Then we went to an amazing restaurant in Lawrence KS, Free State Brewery. It was delicious. And even though I weighed in before this gigantic meal and posted a 2 lb weight loss, i'll be working that meal off all week. It was so worth it.

so here's to 2 years of wedded bliss... and yoga and meditation all week to smooth out this personality disorder I seem to be developing in my 30's.

love and peace to all!!

motivated

2011-02-11T09:59:00.000-08:00

I have now been on weight watchers for 5 months and have lost 30 lbs. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I may even be able to wear shorts this summer with out vomiting :-)

yay!

5.2

2010-10-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

I started weight watchers almost a month ago. I'm down 5.2 lbs.... almost in the 160's. I really hope I can do this. I am SO sick of being over weight. I usually lose motivation with diet plans. we'll see :-) .... wow i sound like a commercial.

FRUSTRATION

2008-08-28T05:45:00.000-07:00

I am pretty bummed because I feel as though I am going to be fat forever. I started school last week and haven't been to the gym for almost a week. I haven't really had a chance. I guess I can't blame myself too much, but this morning I could have been at the gym, but I chose to stay home and catch up on some computer things.

I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE!!!!!

This is so much harder then quitting smoking. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel as though I am not doing soooo bad, but I look at how I was a month ago and there is such a difference. I hope I can keep on trucking and continue to lose weight instead of just maintaining.

GRRRRRRRR!

Progress

2008-06-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

I think I am on the right track. I joined a gym and have lost 7 lbs!!!!
This is 7 pounds the right way. Diet and Exercise. No fad diets, no crazy cleanses. I am not saying that these things don't work, but they don't work for me. The motivation killer with diet and exercise is the wait. 1-2 lbs a week feels like nothing, but here I am a month later and 7 lbs lighter. I couldn't be happier really. Well, I guess I would be happier if I could lose 7 lbs by eating chocolate and french fries. However, I know this is not a option. I credit my friends and family with giving me the motivation I need to do what I am doing. Cross your fingers.

Relationships

2008-06-05T05:01:00.000-07:00

I love Cory with all my heart and 'till death do us part' does not scare me.
However, there is a ridiculous number of failed marriages in this country.
My parents are a rarity. They have been married for over 35 years.
If you know it is the right person, then marriage shouldn't change anything.
Why then am I scared of a marriage certificate?

HIPPO BIRDIE TO EWE!

2008-04-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

today is my 28th birthday.
it is exactly 2 months since my last post. I realize at this point I really am the only one reading this. You know what? That is perfectly all right will me. I woke up this morning, did 20 min of cardio yoga on Comcast on Demand, ran on the eliptical for 30 min, and did my Self strength moves for 20 min. I still feel sore from the same routine I did on Tuesday. I have high hopes though and I may even join a gym for some cardio and yoga classes. Hello! excited!

I am riding horses again because of my dear friend Alex. It is a passion and anyone who has owned a horse knows that the passion never goes away. (Only the leg muscles!)

Cory is going to buy me a wonderful Digital SLR camera for my birthday. With a little help from my photographer friend, Amber, I hope to be snapping awarding winning pictures soon. *wink**wink* I have a flickr page that is pretty sad at the moment, but will soon be brimming with interesting photos.

So at 170 lbs I hope by the next post I am a little smaller and a little stronger!

GOOOOO BONNIE!!!!

MOTIVATION

2008-02-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

why is it so dang hard to lose weight?
why is it so dang hard to do what I want to do?
why is it so dang hard to write a blog at least once a month?

I look at this page probably once a week. I tell myself that tomorrow will be the day that I update it. Then I tell myself that tomorrow will be the day that I workout and eat properly. I often wonder if I will ever do everything that I want to do. I guess the first step would be to make a list of the random things that I would love to do on a daily basis. Maybe I will report back in 6 months to let you know if things have gone as planned.

1) start the day with a workout
2) end every morning with yoga
3) feel good about my food choices
4) take at least 5 pictures a day
5) have more sex

...... to be continued

busy busy busy bees

2007-10-15T19:19:00.001-07:00

You wouldn't think that six credits would kick your A**, but they are kicking mine. I am trying to put my all into this education no matter how small the class may seem. I want to learn and learn and learn and learn.

I am sleepy, but I had to post something and share this wonderful pic...taken at an undisclosed location...
she is my sanity!

can I keep this up?

2007-09-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

well it's not 100/100, but it's still an A.
currently *as far as I know* I have A's in both of my classes. I'm very proud of myself. I just hope I can keep this up. My English class is a lot of work, but I'm sure it is worth it. I think when you go to college right out of high school, sometimes you are in the classes because you have to be. I am in my classes today in order to learn how to do these things, not because I have to take them in order to get a degree. I'm really trying to learn.

So many many things have happened since I last posted. I have been going through... well let's call it a "thing" with a past friend. Well see I ... how can I explain this. ...
a long long long time ago.... i befriended a girl... it was around 6th grade... i have been friends with this girl ever since... we have been through A LOT!... She is more of the bully type, but this attitude was never directed at me.. so we've grown up and the attitude seemed to be calming down... this "friend" asked for a favor one day... and i obliged... which was a big mistake on my part... i was just trying to be nice, but I didn't think this through... all i can say is... NEVER LEND YOUR FRIENDS MONEY... it never turns out good... especially large sums... so to make a long story short... i have had to foot the bill for an expensive item for 2 years now... she has managed to pay 11% of the total cost. I myself have paid 57%. this item will be paid off in the next year... BY ME. so i decided to take back the item from said friend... and this is what she replied...

"Bonnie... We need to figure out how much I've paid towards "said item" so I know how much
I'm getting back. I paid something, something would be mine. I will look at my records. Some was not covered under warranty. We will have "said item" when we have an amount ... (now here is the real kicker)... or I guess you could be a real CUNT and not give me money back for something that's been in my possession for over 2 years. Two can play."

It then goes on to say basically how horrible of a friend I am. Now I know 99% of the people who may read this don't know what kind of person I am, but I can tell you that I'm not the kind of person that deserves this. I pride myself in being a good friend and to get this back for doing something nice for this person is devastating. I guess telling myself that she is obviously not a friend worth having and she's the one missing out only does so much. With this being said I appreciate the real friends I do have. And with this incident have rethought all of my friendships and her friendship is the only one that I never felt was 50/50. So I'm done being used. I will concentrate on all the wonderful friendships that I have now.

now if she would only call me back i could pick up "said item"

woo hoo!

2007-09-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

I got an A! Of course it comes in the class that I didn't expect to get A's in. All the better.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
I GOT AN A!
thanks for sharing in the joy.... and yes I put it on the refrigerator

off the subject, I went for my walk this morning and was approached by a neighbor. He is an older gentleman around 78. He asked if I would mind if he joined me. Awkward as I always am, I said of course. Not realizing that I was telling him I minded, when really I didn't. It was implied because we chatted the whole mile and 1/2. I'm always delighted when I meet genuine people. He and his wife will definitely get Christmas cookies :-)

I CAN DO THIS!

2007-09-04T06:42:00.000-07:00

i know that positive thinking works, but if you are one that was sucked in by negative forces. Then you know how hard it is. I am going to try very hard to lose weight. I may not weigh 300 lbs, but the fact that I weighed 117 lbs in high school gives me reason to believe that I do not have to weigh 171 lbs. Plus I really want to be able to do the really twisty yoga poses.

Get ready to roll your eyes!

2007-09-03T18:32:00.001-07:00

So I'm here... ready to join the blog world. I'm not writing to a certain audience. I guess I'm just hoping for motivation to improve myself. I would like to clear something up. I am not unhappy with myself, but there are always improvements to be made. I like to feel good about myself. who doesn't?... so if you're up to it, you can check in from time to time to see if you can relate to my personal struggles and/or triumphs.